Found on the ladies' room wall at One Police Plaza
by daf9
Summary: Chapter 38. The poets have returned to 1PP.
1. Default Chapter

Bobby Goren is often pugnacious

His mannerisms completely bodacious

He could be annoying

Were it not for enjoying

His appearance which is totally salacious!

****

His shy toothy grin

Or his unshaven chin?

No - I think it's his eyes

That elicit such sighs -

Or the thought of that acre of skin.

Though I won't belabor it 

My personal favorite 

Body part

Is not his heart

But a southern, central neighbour of it.


	2. More bathroom graffiti

Authors note: To the nice reviewers, thank you for your kind comments. To the hostile reviewer or reviewers; they are what they are. Have a nice day.

Could nibbling his skin

Eventually wear thin?

Or would you find

It focussed your mind

On wanting to do it again?

I fear it would take a confession

To leave Bobby with a lasting impression

So intent on the crime

The man must be blind

To hell with workplace discretion!


	3. They aren't all Bobby's fans

I can't take anymore

Your Bobby's a bore!

The one who's the prize-

You could drown in his eyes

It's not Goren but Deakins I pine for.


	4. Just when you thought it was safe

**** __

If you're looking for ammunition

To be set on the road to perdition

You are sure not alone

Thinking Bobby's home phone

Would be a valuable acquisition

Don't be filled with remorse

When your mind strays off course

To thoughts of brown eyes

And hands twice your size

Just don't let it lead to divorce.

****

His grooming is always so neat

And his smile ineffably sweet

But why women enjoy

Private time with that boy

Has to do with the size of his feet!


	5. It's almost over

As any couturier could attest

In a suit Goren's immaculately dressed

But it's those casual black T's

That leave me weak in the knees

And verging on cardiac arrest.

****

If Bobby were to whisper in your ear

"You're looking mighty fine m'dear"

Would you fall in a faint

Or forgo all restraint

And invite him out for a beer?

__

The personnel files are dotted

With women completely besotted

With his eyes or his smile -

Even once in a while

With the way Goren's ties are knotted.

Detective Alexandra Eames

Doesn't go to some people's extremes

But despite the impression

Of excessive discretion

She is not as indifferent as she seems


	6. Christmas comes to One Police Plaza

While perched on the old elf's knee

Bobby gave him the third degree

After an endless survey

Of bon mots and DNA

Santa BEGGED to cop to a plea.


	7. Vulgarity versus vocabulary

I said there was only one chapter to go but it appears I was mistaken. This one is off topic however. These were found scrawled on the mirror beside a "review" from an individual who calls themselves daf9sucks.

*************************************

D9S, D9S

You display such "finesse"

In suggesting these rhymes

Are not quite sublime

Mea culpa I couldn't care less

D9S, D9S

You fail to impress

Yes you have the ability

To display incivility

Now let's see some mental finesse.

To respond with asperity

To anonymous vulgarity

Perish the thought

I'd hate being caught

Showing such a lack of wit or temerity! 


	8. How can anyone not appreciate Bobby?

Dedicated to Franco Veja Roker and all the other naysayers out there.

****

Could Goren

Be borin'?

I reject

The concept

As foreign.

When Bobby wanders into view

My heart melts into goo

I have to rejoice

At that soft, husky voice

I don't care what he does to you!


	9. Xover with NYPD blue & SVU

If Goren and Munch

Met Sipowicz for brunch

Does anyone feel

They could last out the meal

Without somebody throwing a punch?


	10. Phalanges

This chapter is dedicated to Kiera Kingsley because I have noticed that she often mentions Bobby's hands in her fan fic.

Note 1: the Mirriam-Webster dictionary defines a dinger as a home run.

Note 2: The last three are kind of off topic for bathroom graffiti but I don't want you all thinking I'm obsessed with only one aspect of Bobby Goren's multi-faceted character.

************************************ 

Fantasize how his fingers

Would caress and then linger

Their warmth on your face

Their gentle embrace

Wouldn't THAT be a dinger?!

Consider them festive

Or implacably restive

From Eame's POV

What does SHE see?

Do you think she finds them suggestive?

Which is more deft

Bobby's right or his left

When he performs sleight-of-hand

Where DOES the coin land?

Perhaps it's just reported a theft.

On the table they're laid

Fingers awkwardly splayed

Will Goren's hands provoke

An off-color joke

Or leave the perp feeling afraid?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those of you who haven't seen the movie "Happy Accidents" this is a Bobby Goren/Sam Deed Xover (Sam being a character played by the same actor who plays Goren). The first three lines refer to Bobby while the last two lines are all Sam. Although I have no doubt that Bobby could successfully pull off that gesture as well as Sam does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That forefinger outstretched

Counts confessions it's fetched

At the head of its class

While on the rim of a glass

Just think of the hearts that it's etched.


	11. Advice from one of Bobby's exes

Admire his tenacity

Don't doubt his veracity

But will you end up bemused

Or just feeling misused

Subjected to his eerie perspicacity?

It can cause apprehension

Catching Bobby's attention

Is your lipstick too bright?

Or your skirt a tad tight?

He'll just KNOW things you'd rather not mention!

With his eye for detail

You sense flirting would fail

In person, the man

Could see right through your plan

Forget dating - better stick to e-mail.


	12. How best to describe him

Sex appeal?

Please get real!

Do none of you CARE

Goren's built like a bear

And smirks like a rabid seal?

****

There's no cause for debating

Bobby's sex appeal rating

The argument you've presented

Says you're either demented

Or your eyeglass prescription needs updating.


	13. The Monday following Super Bowl Sunday

Found in the men's room.

This answer I seek

Why do week after week

Women blush and then swoon

When Goren enters the room

Why don't they drop at **MY** feet?

****

Please don't think that I'm bawdy

Or my comment is naughty

But if you take a quick glance

When Bobby unzips his pants

You'll know why women think he's a hottie!


	14. Will Bobby be oblivious?

Of course Bobby notices EVERYTHING..

****************************************

The ladies find me charming

'Cause my manner's disarming

I respect their opinions

And don't treat them like minions

My attitude is far from alarming.

But if I catch another leer

When I'm standin' in here

You'll find it's not nice

To be questioned by vice

I trust I have made myself clear?

__ ****

And to the next guy who peeks

When I'm takin' a leak

Will you still be amused

When you're battered and bruised

And spitting out teeth for a week?


	15. Butt in the end

Apologies to First Lady Laura Bush. Somebody really should be monitoring these bathrooms!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Au Note : Sipowitz is Dennis Sipowitz of NYPD Blue and Simone is Bobby Simone; one of Sipowitz's former partners.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Could NBC protest

At this simple request?

Sipowitz's was inferior

Goren's naked posterior

Would prove Major Case Squad's the best!

Would it be crass

To show Goren's ass?

The censors didn't get whinny

To see Simone's hinny

And OUR Bobby's would have far more class!

There is no mystique

To why Goren is unique

Whether speaking his mind

Or baring his behind

In either case you'd admire his cheek!

If given a push

Would Laura admit Goren's tush

Leaves her senses all firing

And is far more inspiring

Than that of George Walker Bush?

Is your mind filled with smut

Are you mired in a rut?

When somebody speaks

Of Bobby's fabulous cheeks

Do you think of his face or his butt?


	16. Poor Bobby

He takes too much to heart

Suspects who outsmart

His crime reconstructions -

Despite brilliant deductions

Goren's is really a hit-or-miss art.

Does he think that they're faking

Every child who's mistaking

A parents' delusion

For a foregone conclusion

Or does it just leave Bobby aching?


	17. Dueling memos

All that writing on the walls couldn't go unnoticed forever.

---------------------------------------------------------

Memo: To all staff at One Police Plaza

From: ADA Ron Carver

Re: The state of the men's and women's washrooms

---------------------------------------------------------

The sentiments your graffiti embody

Are considered unbecomingly naughty

We're professionals here

And repainting is dear

Not to mention your scansion is shoddy.

=====================================

Memo: To ADA Carver

From: NYPD Police Officers' Association

Re: Recent memo concerning the washroom facilities at One Police Plaza

=====================================

You've been casting aspersions

On our members diversions

The First Amendment decrees

We can write what we please

Without your unwanted incursions.

But though they're hardly explicit

Or even illicit

After reading them through

In a thorough review

We agree some vulgarity is implicit.


	18. Goren and grammar

Au note: To give someone the bird means the same as to give someone the finger. It's a hand gesture and that's as explicit as I'm gonna be.

This scene takes place immediately following "Suite Sorrow" when Goren confronts the murderer's fiancé.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Would Goren be spurred

To give Fiancé the bird

And then further imply

With a punch to the eye

That he'd inferred a lot more than he'd heard?


	19. Bobby's falling behind in his reading

Has Bobby heard the news?

Dimensions MAY be construed

But only on the strength

Of a man's forefinger length

Not on the size of his shoes.

Do you suppose

If Goren had a large nose

He'd make accusations

With sly implications

That would leave the perp discomposed?


	20. Love hath no fury

Though he's sexy and kind

If you date him you'll find

To get his job done

And be a good son

Occupy the bulk of his mind.

While you have to respect

Mom's not left to neglect

His preoccupation

With filial obligation

Make it hard for a woman to connect.

Is his mother obsessive

Or merely possessive?

So it's her disease

Bobby seeks to appease

I still found his devotion excessive.

He goes overboard

In ways a man can't afford

For an adult son

To daily speak to his mom -

It's time Bobby cut the damn cord!

Since he'll never reject her

For the demons that infect her

With raging illusion

And numbing confusion

Will it kill him when he cannot protect her?


	21. psychiatrists what do theyknow?

At Jimmy Deakins' request, the New York chapter of the American Psychiatric Association holds a meeting at One Police Plaza. Bored with the lectures and bladders bursting with coffee, a few of the female APA members pay a visit to the ladies' room where they end up discussing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In solving the crime

He treats some perps like they're slime

Is it becoming hypnotic

An addictive narcotic

Does Goren need it more and more of the time?

Understandably antagonistic

Or intellectually narcissistic?

When his deductions he flaunts

With his sarcastic taunts -

Is Detective Goren becoming sadistic?

How does he gauge

Compassion or rage?

Do you suppose the decision

Sympathy or derision -

Seeks to leave his own demons assuaged?

****

Will Goren use up his ration

Of generous compassion

Leaving only his scorn

With which to adorn

Perps and victims in Marston-like fashion?

Is it reasoned conclusion

Or emotional confusion

That drives his decisions?

Though he doesn't see visions

Is Bobby's sense of control an illusion?

Perhaps he SHOULD curse with profanity

At every human inanity

Goren's sense of compassion

May be too out-of-fashion

And end up driving him into insanity.

These emotional incursions

Are casting aspersions

The man needs Moriarty

To come to his party

And serve up some mental diversions.


	22. I dunno

If Eames garnered the moxie

To dress real foxy

Thinking it might behoove

Goren to make the first move

Would he just dismiss her as some kind of doxy?

Does the thought make Alex drool -

Instead of playing it cool

Should she provoke the mention

Of lascivious attention

At the risk of being made a fool?

Would Bobby ever chance

Tryin' to get in Eames' pants?

Or is he too afraid

Either choice that she made

Would shatter his ideal romance?


	23. I know it looks easybut it's a lot easie...

After ~2000 words I started to wonder why my characters express themselves in this particular, and some would say peculiar, fashion

These are their stories.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To write angst there's a trick

Or readers laugh 'till they're sick

Joan will freely admit

She can't do it a bit

As she managed to learn real quick

If her job left her time

Eames would publish true crime

Putting Ann Rule to shame

She'd be on top of her game

And wouldn't have to care if it rhymed.

Would her friends look askance

If Irene wrote romance?

Though Bobby inspires

The genre still requires

Talent at which she haven't a chance.

Penning dramatic prose

Is what I'd have chose

But when it comes to the crux

My prose really sucks

Que sera - but that's just how it goes!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	24. Employee relations

He once was the ace

Of New York's Major Case

But since Goren came in

His star has now dimmed

And Jimmy's just one more pretty face.

Goren's less than objective perspective

Inspires new heights of invective

Though his solve rate's astounding

He leaves Deakins' head pounding

And longing for a less quirky Detective.

After watching them week after week

This answer I desperately seek

If Goren were to nibble on his ear

Or offer to buy him a beer

Which would most flummox ol' Deak?

I know there are people who hope

That Goren and Eames will elope

But the assignment reshuffles

Would cause scheduling kafuffles

Driving Deakins to the end of his rope.

Deakins deserves major praise

For the calm he portrays

You don't suppose Cragen

Wouldn't turn raging pagan

Dealing with Goren's displays?

With each Goren excess

Does Deakins' patience grow less

Or do you think

He's just taken to drink

In order to combat the stress?


	25. With aid from a dictionary

**__**

Summary: Having rounded up all the most heinous criminals in New York, Bobby Goren was bored and so decided to tackle a fan fiction challenge issued by Apocrypha, the law & order zine. The challenge was to fashion a short story lacking the letter _e._ (Au note: The letter _e_ is by all accounts the most common letter in the English language.) Dissatisfied with his efforts and not wanting his colleagues to find his submission, Bobby burned it. However his secretary secretly rescued the cover letter from his wastepaper basket and posted it in the ladies' room.

This experience only proves that after 2000 words the author is scraping the bottom of the barrel as it were, for ideas.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NYPD

Major Cas* Squad

On* Polic* Plaza, 11th Floor

N*w York, N*w York

March 27, 2003

Sir or Madam,

In trying to avoid a particular non-consonant that is not _a_, _i_, _o_ or _u_, I had a plan but it was sadly shot to h*ll prior to its actual initiation. I loath admitting this but 

Though my mind is a chaotic mosaic

Of idioms familiar and archaic

I don't harbor an ability

In my linguistic agility

To confound you by writing Aramaic.

Should I scrawl in Palaic

That would look damn prosaic

And though its words sound idyllic

I lack skill with Cyrillic

Too bad calculus is so formulaic.

If only I was with SVU or my papa was a Munch, I might try a submission anyway.

Yours truly,

Bobby Gor*n 

BG/daf9


	26. Alex and Bobby?

If Goren's dad and Eames mom

Got together for fun

Would their kids find it outrageous?

Or would the thought be contagious

And spread to the daughter and son?

Just the perp he confuses?

With the tactics he chooses?

Or does Alex smile with relief

When she finds a real belief

Amidst all the ruses Bobby uses?

Does his voice make her shiver ?

Her heart start to quiver

Do his quirks add to his charm ?

Or are they cause for alarm

That in the end he wouldn't deliver.

Would Eames' eyes avert

To see Bobby sans shirt ?

Or would she not only stare

At the parts that were bare

But attempt something even more overt?

Though his mind is erratic

He's quite charismatic

Is Eames ever drawn

To sample Goren's brawn

Or is she just too darn pragmatic?

Does Alex think Bobby's as cute as a bug

That he could become an addictive drug ?

Or is there strong apprehension

Her flirtatious attention

Might just make him insufferably smug ?


	27. Who knows him better than Alex?

Alex takes an entire box of gel pens to the ladies' room where she contemplates a romantic relationship with her partner, Bobby 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

My father always said

Keep partners out of your bed

Stay clear of profilers

They're real beguilers

Please marry a doctor instead!

The way Bobby fixates

It would need the right bait.

Am I prepared to spout Latin

All over Manhattan

Just to end up on a date?

Everyone's always said

He lives too much in his head

And then there's the fees

For his mother's disease

Could Bobby even AFFORD to be wed?

He blocks out more of the sun

Than just about anyone

My apartment's too small

For a lover that tall

We'd be bruised before the fun had begun!

The man has a smile

You'd enjoy a long while

But his ticks and his quirks

Would destroy the whole works

Unless a woman were in total denial

I fear I would choke

On his cigarette smoke

"I'd rather lick the ashtray"

My aunt used to say

And she wasn't a person to joke.

That man will go to his grave

Without learning to shave

I have dermatological concerns

With the way stubble burns

I honestly don't think I'm that brave

He's forever quoting prose

Almost nobody knows

And though I'm quite smart

Could I live with his art?

Or learn how to launder his clothes?

His obsession with cars

And dead people's scars

Would drive ME to distraction

And festering dissatisfaction

That 'HIS' hobbies could never be 'OURS'.

He'd expect me to cook

Organize all his books

Pick out matching ties

And cleaning supplies

When I'd rather be chasing down crooks!

Could we ever agree

What to watch on tv?

He'd give the high five

To an autopsy live -

But find "Survivor" just too bourgeoisie.

And answering the phone

When HE wasn't home

Hearing how no one pleases

His mother but Jesus

I'd far rather be living alone!

When Bobby leaves the crime scene

Hands supposedly clean

The thought of his touch

Would be a bit much -

The CSI techs all KNOW what I mean

It's a habit to vex

The friendliest ex

Bobby won't always hear

If you scream in his ear

Unless you talking about sex!

And some day on a lark

Making out in the park

Would my Miata be wise

With a man Bobby's size?

Oops! Better ignore that remark

Would YOU want to give birth ?

To a babe of the girth

Bobby's genes would ensure

Not unless you're

Looking for hell here on earth!

There's a lot I've discerned

About his habits - I've learned

His Mom says male Gorens

Are renowned for their snorin' -

And I find myself somewhat concerned.

Watching him consume

All the food in the room -

It's possible if we wait

He'll inhale his plate

At least that's what I assume.

Are his pockets ever free

Of incredible debris?

Nail clippings in a bag

I thought I would gag!

The dry cleaners at least should thank me!

If we were having a fight

I'm afraid Bobby might

Start to argue in Chinese

Or the language of Belize

And you know that just wouldn't be right! 

He'd want to explain

All he knows of the brain

Regale me with facts

While I tried to relax

I want a man who's not quite so arcane.

When he's sweating I swear

He stinks like a BEAR!

It would be one big pain

Cleaning THAT shower drain

And suppose he starts losin' his HAIR?!

After watching him flirt

With some skank in a skirt

Could I believe his denial -

Just evidence for the trial

Or I would I still find that it hurt?

And keeping mended the cuts

His knife leaves in the butts

Of his two thousand dollar suits

Would be a fruitless pursuit

The man's a certifiable klutz!

If his Mom ever thought

Me the woman he sought

Hands would flail in the air

Signifying despair

She'd rather gonorrhea than myself that he caught!

Thoughts of his gym bag are insidious

And grow ever more hideous 

Size 13 dirty socks,

Sweaty shorts and used jocks -

I'm afraid I am just too fastidious.

While working a crime

He empties his mind

Of more mundane pursuits

Like pressing his suits -

That would bother me after a time.

And choosing sons' names

It would drive me insane

I can just imagine his choice

Sigmund, Caesar or Royce -

While I'm thinking Michael or James.

Bobby's eye for detail

Isn't right for a male

Even water retention

Couldn't pass without mention

His wife will feel like a baleen whale.

I could probably hack

A quick jump in the sack

After all he's good looking

And a whiz at home cooking

But long term - he's too much of a whack!

****

He has absolute trust

I will do what I must

And would give his left arm

To save me from harm -

Between partners that's better than lust.


	28. More Alex rant

****

Au note: After 28 chapters, maybe it's time for some disclaimers. The original LOCI characters belong to Dick Wolf. My versions are but pale, warped imitations. Any vague resemblance to the originals is purely coincidental. So please don't sue. 

Reviews and comments (positive or negative, as long as they are polite) are always welcome. Comments in the form of limericks are greeted with particular glee.

Oh yeah in addition to Kiera and RivErStaR who wanted some limericks from Alex's POV the train of thought that lead to this chapter and the previous chapter was inspired by Gem at the lawandordercriminalintentfanfic listing who posted a non-fic 'rant' on why she thought Alex and Bobby shouldn't be a romantic couple. 

****

Spoilers for Anti-thesis, Cherry Red, Phantom, Legion, The Third Horseman and um that one where he eats the pickles

****

Summary: I know I promised an explanation but first 

Now she's recovered from a serious case of writers' cramp it turns out Alex was just warming to her subject. Armed with the pens of ALL the female Major Case Squad employees, she once again retreats to the ladies' room.

And for those of you who are wondering why Alex has so much more to say than Bobby just remember 1) she is a woman 2) she has fewer obvious quirks for him to comment on & 3)I'll let him explain that for himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Goren Senior's an unknown

Though we've talked on the phone

Bobby considers it gall

His father expects HIM to call

So refuses to even toss Dad that bone.

On her meds she's delightful

But the phone bills are frightful!

What CAN his Mom say

For two hours each day?

I'm sorry if that sounds kind of spiteful.

There'd be no point to rail

About those SCENTS he inhales

I remember one case

Where Bobby stuck his WHOLE face -

You don't want to hear the details.

It's ludicrous really

Bobby's too touchy-feelly -

Just when you'd think

You would kill for a drink

He'd be whispering of love in Swahili.

He agrees with the Court

On a woman's right to abort

But the thought sends a dart

Through Bobby's Catholic heart

Seriously undermining his support.

My chiropractor, Dr. Fine

Says Bobby's ruining his spine

The way he scrunches his neck

It'll soon be a wreck -

His employability's gonna sharply decline.

If we went on a date

I just KNOW he'd be late -

He'd need stats to support

His enjoyment of sport

And he'd obstruct MY view of "home plate"!

After hours of hot sun

Those shoes wouldn't be fun

They wouldn't smell sweet

When removed from his feet

Their odor would be next to none.

And when Manhattan's temperatures are cold

That down jacket's a sight to behold

The Ghostbusters know joy

Seein' Poppin' Fresh, Doughboy

Do you suppose Bobby's ever been told?

I'd be certain of flack

For my magazine rack

Cosmopolitan and Elle

Full of ads for Chanell

Not ONE _Car and Driver_ in the stack! 

"Okay Bobby, so I lost

When that d@mn coin was tossed

A gentleman would have let ME take the seat

Of that cherry red treat

And left HIMSELF breathing the exhaust!"

To any hot-blooded male

A whale's never "just a whale"

You can't tell ME Bobby's goal

Was not to score with Nicole

Before he sent her to jail!

I know that I'd cower

Whenever HE took a shower

My budget would teeter

On my spinning water meter

A man his size must take 'least an hour!

From all Bobby's said

I'll bet he reads in his bed

I'd have to fight him each night

To make him turn out the light -

One more reason we'll never be wed!

I admit I don't care

To see Bobby bare

If I can't be impressed

With a man fully dressed

I've no need to view what's _down there_.

The perp's emotions he'll engage

Like some omniscient sage

But to be bluntly concise

Bobby's never worked vice

Now there's a job that teaches you rage!

It would be quite a test

To knit Bobby a vest

A girl would need enough yarn

To fill a small barn

But another stocking cap would leave him depressed.

The man can be so obsessive

About a misused possessive

If you write "here and their"

He'll growl like a bear

It's really becoming oppressive.

I've watched that man dine

On Kosher cukes soaked in brine

Thanks, but I've had my fill

Of lips that taste of sour dill

They're not what I want pressed to mine.

Bobby's brain doesn't need

To be ramped up on speed

Any old classic car

Or cold beer at a bar

Will make him excited indeed. 

You can see at a glance

If we wanted to dance

I'd have to wear 8 inch heels

Or force him to kneel

Sorry - there isn't a chance!

It brings me no satisfaction -

He's too into abstraction

Bobby has lovely eyes

And muscular thighs

But still, there's a lack of attraction.

It's not info I need

But I admit I'm intrigued

Was "Lola" knowledgeable about stars

Or avoiding drunks in posh bars?

And was it she or her cats made him bleed?

Oh no! Not that CRAP!

Bobby's enamoured of rap

That he sings in the shower

Off-key - but with power

I'd just wanna give him a slap!

There was a time I would scheme

To make Bobby my dream

But once I knew

About that tattoo

He plummeted in my esteem

Could I learn not to critique

A poker game every week?

He would expect praise

For cleaning ashtrays

While the curtains continued to reek!

So you think that I'm fazed

'Cause he makes bouillabaisse?

When I'm eating alone

I choose 'cooking' by phone

It's just the way I was raised!

My family hurls threats

When watching the Mets

If I brought Bobby home

He'd be on his own

If he made my father upset.

I'd be nuts taking a chance

On a workplace romance

He may be a magician

But that's NOT my ambition

I want my career to ADVANCE!

Besides Bobby prefers

Leggy models in furs

Who respond with a smile

When he seeks to beguile

By plying them with fancy liqueurs.

I've known men before

Who will open a door

Treat the toilet seat with care

Or pull out your chair

In a husband I'm looking for more

Now all you old biddy hens

Have lent me your pens

There's still not enough ink

To express what I think

I'm gonna have to go borrow the mens'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And when Alex returns to the ladies' room after borrowing Deakins' pen...

Alright! I'll concede

Sex may be what I need

Bobby knows what goes where

I'd have no concerns there

But I STILL don't want him DOIN' THE DEED!

If I stayed here all night

And continued to write

On the walls and the floor

'Til there was room for no more

There would still be tons left to recite.

It would be apropos

If I'd nothing to show

For defacing this space

But a serious case

Of carpel tunnel - that would be a low blow!

So to summarize briefly

I don't feel he's beneath me

But while I've never found him boring

Neither am I adoring

His smirk - That's what bothers me chiefly!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****

Au note: There is no real proof that anyone told Bobby about the writing on the ladies' room walls but the following, neatly typed on a piece of stationary labeled "From the desk of Robert Goren", is highly suggestive. It was found posted on the door, just below the sign proclaiming 'LADIES'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything about Eames is swell

And if it wasn't - well hell!

Mom's drummed into my ears

For the past 40 years

It's wrong for a gentleman to tell!

But I'll admit I'm dejected

To be summarily rejected

I thought she'd approve

If I made the first move

This response was completely unexpected


	29. It's Ms Bishop's turn

She's been partnering Bobby for a while now; what does Detective Bishop have to say about the experience? 

****

WARNING: Multiple Spoilers for "A Murderer Among Us"

That Brody was a sleeze

But still in all - please

Is Goren quite sane?

It was scarcely a feign

He almost broke the guy's knees!

His face was ablaze

With a burning, hot rage

Watching him swing that pipe

Like he had a real gripe

Goren scares me with his violent displays!

And while he's warm and polite

After giving me fright

His intensity disturbs -

Yes, amusement he curbs

But I can tell he's only barely contrite!

The times I heard it discussed

That I'd be left in his dust

But no one thought to mention

How to deal with the tension

Of a partner I don't really trust

I find myself yearning

To hear Eames is returning

'Cause one thing's for sure

Goren's calmer with her

He doesn't leave HER stomach churning.

So I'll silently cheer

When my butt's out of here!

I'd rather cut off a limb

Than spend more time with HIM!

I don't want to be anywhere NEAR!

If partnering Goren's the fast track!

I'd rather take a step back

And I can still win my race

At a much easier pace

By sucking up to some political hack!


	30. It's Mike Logan's turn

So Detective Logan knew

How to handle a cue

I know in my bones

He's no Sherlock Holmes

And his shoes are about a size two.


	31. Chapter 31

They preen and they strut

Two proud males in rut

The locker room chatter's

Both are big where it matters

But Logan wins on points for his butt.


	32. You'd better watch out!

Au note: Last night someone else made an entry on the ladies room wall. Her name is Sienna Tovitz and her entry may be viewed in the reviews for chapter 31. She claims to be getting it on with 'our' Bobby. For more sordid details of this hussy's story see Trinity Wildcat.

But in the meantime, the ladies, as you might imagine are none too pleased.

Sienna you tart

You can have his damn heart!

Along with his suits

His ties and his boots

But keep your mitts off his own favorite part!

If I were you I'd not trumpet

My conquests as a strumpet

Let's not be fussy

What you are is a hussy

Dislike it? Tooo bad - you can lump it!

You may preen, you may strut

But you know in your gut

As Alex observes

Our Bobby deserves

Much better than YOU, you cheap slut!

Sweetie, 'twas a nice try

But we both know you lie

He'd far rather shag

Ron Carver in drag

Than some skank who I've heard made him cry!

Ms. Tovitz - you're trash

Yes you made quite a splash

But since you left Bobby blue

Girl, we're coming for you

With stakes cut from aspen and ash.

For anyone who might be concerned, the above was posted with the consent of Trinity. To any other Bobby lovers who care to risk the ladies' wrath - feel free to post your own comments on the wall. The cleaning staff remove the graffiti often enough that there's plenty of room.


	33. Maria Eames Goren

Yet another of Bobby's many purported loves has paid a visit to the ladies room at 1PP. This one was shown the way by one Ms. Lina Baggins.

Maria - girl, in this place

You'd best not show your face

We do not oppose

His hussies, skanks or his 'hos

But for his wife? We just don't have the space!

p

We are counting to ten

You'd better be gone again

Or else expect a surprise

We're gonna blacken your eyes

With your aunt's own indelible pen!

p

For brides the bathroom wall theme

Is inappropriate, 'twould seem

Just march those Bobby-wed feet

To the ladies' room 'cross the street

And leave us, his lonely colleagues, to dream.


	34. Sienna Tovitz

Your notions are queer

Even for this place here

More than one time and space?

You'd not say that to HIS face!

That kinda talk's gonna ruin your career!

P

Not that we give a toss -

Have you been hitting the sauce?

Or is it something you're smokin?

To speak as you've spoken

We can see there's some brain cells been lost!


	35. Now we're gettin' annoyed

You'd have us believe

Bobby's yours? Ha! Just leave

Those soft graying curls

Well alone! Because girls

Your insistence is starting to peeve!

p

Maria's mascara's runny

Sienna's lipstick looks funny

No books with dead body depictions?

No Car and Driver subscriptions?

He can do much better - I'm tellin' ya, honey!

p

So with the ball in our court

You're both coming up short

Maria, your penmanship's lousy

Sienna's blouse makes her look frowsy

There's no way you could be Bobby's sort!


	36. It's email time

To: the staff of 1PP

From: Captain Deakins

Subject: the current state of the ladies room

p

Though the fumes of fresh paint

Will make everyone faint

That room's a disgrace

'Specially for 1 Police Place

Goren, PLEASE - Teach your fans some restraint

p

To: Alex Eames

From: Bobby Goren

Subject: Re the current state of the ladies room

p

Like I don't want it to halt?

It is sexual assault!

Deakins thinks that the sentiment flatters

But in truth, there's only one thing that matters -

That YOU know that this isn't my fault!

p

From: Alex Eames

To: Mike Logan

Subject: I recognized your writing on the ladies room wall

p

I heard Bobby's been named

As the one to be blamed

For that ladies' room scrawling

And the subsequent brawling

But you and I both know he's been framed.

p

From: Mike Logan

To: Alex Eames

Subject: I confess! I put Chapter 31 on the wall.

p

Before the painter erased it

Was it YOU who defaced it?

Though my desk is inferior

My butt really IS superior

As you should know, since you have embraced it.


	37. Bobby has his say

My dearest, you are sweet

But now we must be discrete

You must desist from the scrawling

Or IAD will come calling

And your Bobby will be walking a beat

p

Just imagine the scandal-

My love charged as a vandal!

Sure Eames and her sisters

Said they'd take care of my blisters

But their snark will be too much to handle

p

Thank goodness - I think

You used soluble ink

Everything's now okay

The painters washed it away

Before Deak could raise much of a stink


	38. Chapter 38

Though it's a sham to defile

This fresh paint and clean tile

I'm gonna paint this place black

Until Goren gets back

God, how I miss that man's smile

Captain Ross has potential

(But that must stay confidential)

Since Rodgers' laid claim

Discretion's the game

Her temper's not inconsequential


End file.
